Star Trek Captains Top Ninety-Nine
Just for fun
Top Ninety-Nine Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard
by Hemi and the Farkmaster
>Top Ninety-Nine Reasons Why Captain Picard is Better Than Captain Kirk
> by the Patrick Stewart Estrogen Brigade
>>Top Ninety-Nine Reasons Why Cmdr. Sikso is Better Than Both of 'Em!
>> by Admiral Wombat
99. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
> Picard is a lover, not a fighter.
>> Sisko is a leader AND a fighter.
98. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
> Kirk could never really fit into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.
>> There's nothing kinky about Sisko's jumpsuit.
97. One Word: Hair.
> One word: sex appeal (OK, two words).
>> Sisko has both but needs neither.
96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-WIG.
> Another word: Damn-good-looking-don't-need-a-weave!
>> Sisko has hair and it's REAL.
95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
> Picard can beat up a Klingon bare.... (heheh) ;->
>> Sisko can beat up the Jem'Hadar!
94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
> Kirk doesn't have a sexy accent at all.
>> Avery Brooks and Sisko are BOTH American.
93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!
> Kirk would date anything claiming to be female (see !69).
>> Sisko has his urges under control.
92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.
> Kirk obviously has a bladder problem.
>> Sisko drinks raktajino.
91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
> Diplomacy for Picard is a red bow tie and a smile
> (and nothing else).
>> Diplomacy for Sisko is collapsing the wormhole.
90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
> Picard would personally throw Kirk off his bridge.
>> Sisko hates Picard. HATES him. And he doesn't care about Kirk.
89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.
> Two words: Picard Maneuver
> Two more words: Well endowed
>> Sisko prefers to beat people with the butt of a phaser. And he
>>would
never be so desperate as to warp into a Ferengi vessel!
88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
> Admirals don't WANT to lunch with Kirk.
>> Sisko wears the same uniform everyday, regardless of who drops
>>by.
87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."
> Picard (on the SoL) says "I've got a great crew -- and they're
> all beauties!"
>> Sisko would never get a belly-ache; he loves Cajun food. And you
>> want to talk about beauties? Check out Kira and Dax!
86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
> Kirk has no singing voice, that's why they don't bother
> asking him to sing.
>> Avery Brooks can sing just fine; he's worked in musicals before. On
>> the other hand, Shatner sang "Mr. Tambourine Man." :)
85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
> Kirk drives his *own* stick shift. ;>
> Picard can ride a horse! :-)
>> Sisko has more important things to do than driving automobiles and
>> ride horses. (BTW, Kirk can ride a horse too)
84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale
population.
> Kirk secretly wanted to father Earth's whale population.
>> If Sisko went back in time, he would have had enough sense to
>> replicate some MONEY first!
83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"
> Picard says "Kirk? What Kirk?"
>> Sisko ignores the PD and doesn't know anything about Kirk. Plus, he
>> HATES Picard (that's worth saying again).
82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
> Picard has enough brain cells to think up more creative insults.
>> Kirk was just a parrot when it came to profanity, and Picard swears
>> in French. Sisko has O'Brien, and he says "bloody."
81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the
Federation.
> Picard NEVER acted like a horse while some midget rode him.
>> Kirk would have needlessly destroyed the Enterprise trying to
>>fight the Borg. Picard once pretended Cmdr. Riker was his daddy.
80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively
healthy.
> Picard knows how to use chopsticks for more than walrus imitations.
>> Sisko can actually COOK real food like jambalaya.
79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
> Kirk *was* low performance technology...
>> Sisko makes do with ALIEN technology.
78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical
advantage.
> Picard never pretends to be a bum to get a date.
> Kirk doesn't have the acting skill.
>> Sisko actually needs a barber once in a while.
77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off
--even around those pesky Yeomen.
> Picard isn't shy about taking his pants off
> --even around those pesky Cardassians.
>> Sisko doesn't have any pesky yeomen. And the only time he takes off
>> his pants for a Cardassian is to have them MENDED!
76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
> Starfleet would never waste a holodeck on someone like Kirk.
> Kirk would waste a holodeck on green Orion slave girls to be
> at his beck and call.
>> Sisko uses the holosuites to outsmart the enemy AND fish.
75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
> Picard never once stood up and had to suck in his gut.
>> Sisko's uniform hides his gut AND doesn't ride up.
74. One Word: Velour.
> Three words: Stretch velour jhodphurs
>> One word: Turtleneck
73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
> Picard's counselor can beat an android at chess.
>> Sisko can beat a 300-year old Trill at chess.
72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired from Admiral and took to
climbing rocks.
> Spock shoulda let him fall.
>> Sisko won't retire before his 65th birthday like Kirk did.
71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter,
Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship
Enterprise.
> Kirk slept his way to the top. Picard earned it.
>> Sisko may only be a Commander, but his job is incredibly important,
>> more so than the captain of any starship. Plus, he has a warship,
>> not a family-laden starship.
70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
> Picard likes a good glass of wine every now and again.
>> I said it before, I'll say it again: raktajino.
69. One Word: Iman
> One word: Kamala
>> Five words: Nana Visitor and Terry Farrell
68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
> Picard looks good with NO shirt (or pants).
>> Sisko takes better care of himself and his uniform.
67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and spit down
its neck.
> Picard has better things to do with his time.
>> Sisko exploits Quark's abilities for his own use.
66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."
> Picard says "Think first and you'll always discover
> a sensible solution."
>> And while they argue, the Defiant could destroy them BOTH.
65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
> Kirk's first officer was trying to get rid of him.
>> Sisko's first officer is intellgent, sexy, and can kick ass!
64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
> Kirk just leaves the room to bawl.
>> Sisko's crew doesn't do stupid things that provoke bawling.
63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old
janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
> Picard doesn't rely on weak over-acting to get him out of
> intergalactic scrapes.
>> Sisko's mentor is now a hot, young lieutenant.
62. Two Words: Funky Sideburns.
> Three Words: No Funky Bellbottoms.
>> Sideburns? No bellbottoms? Sisko's your man.
61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
> Kirk never asked his Chief Medical Officer to be bartender.
>> Sisko's bartender can break high-level Cardassian security codes.
60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"
> Picard never destroyed his own ship on purpose.
>> Sisko was willing to go down with the Saratoga.
59. Kirk is not politically correct.
> That's o.k., Kirk's not correct on much else, either.
>> There's no time for P.C. in the Gamma Quadrant.
58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body
named after a letter of the alphabet.
> Picard never got dumped by a woman who would rather chase whales.
>> Sisko punched out said busybody, which Picard never had the guts to
>> do. And Sisko would have found his own whales.
57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
> Kirk wouldn't look good in tights. Especially at midseason.
>> Kirk wore a ridiculously tight uniform. Sisko doesn't put up with
>> Q's antics like Picard did
56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be
dead.
> Picard can reason with Klingons.
>> Sisko can outsmart Cardassians.
55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a
"Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?
> Picard's Chief of Engineering has more important things to do
> than run the transporter.
>> Chief O'Brien can do just about anything. Plus, he's got real eyes
>> and 10 fingers.
54. One Word: Miniskirts.
> Two words: Bicycle shorts ;->
>> Two words: Unisex uniforms. Kirk abused his yeomen and Picard let
>> Troi walk around in a bunny suit.
53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.
> Kirk's girlfriends only look good in soft light.
>> DS9 is really dark. All the time.
52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red
shirts.
> Picard takes responsibility for his actions.
>> Sisko doesnt't waste his time on pointless away missions.
51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some wimpy instrument like the
trombone.
> Picard's first officer doesn't play some wimpy instrument like a
>harp.
>> Major Kira is a freedom fighter, not a musician.
50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
> Picard is man enough not to kiss and tell.
>> With a little luck, Sisko could actually sleep with his first
>> officer. If Kirk or Picard tried that, I'd vomit! :P
49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly
translated as "SHOVE IT!"
> Kirk couldn't learn a second language if he wanted to.
>> Sisko doesn't need another language. Even the Gamma Quadrant races
>> speak English.
48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.
> Kirk always was a little too obsessed with food.
>> See number #49
47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.
> Kirk wouldn't know a 20th Century knife if it Bobbit'ed him
>> Sisko owns stuff from Africa. Picard has a stupid head filled with
>> tiny figurines. And Kirk's apartment was full of clocks.
46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
> Picard doesn't rely on a middle name to be tough or
> awe-inspiring.
>> Sisko's first name is tougher than Jim or Jean-Luc.
45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
> Is that what you call a blow job?
>> If Sisko saw a strange spinning probe, he'd cloak and let it go
>> away.
44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
> Picard has much better luck.
>> Sisko would not have screwed up enough to require a visit to 1930.
43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
> Kirk cheated on his final exams at Starfleet Academy.
>> Sisko graduated just like everyone else. At least he didn't get
>> stabbed through the heart awaiting his first assignment.
42 Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.
> Picard is smart enough to figure out how to use birth control.
>> Sisko has the one son, and he didn't get butchered by Klingons or
>> genetically altered by crazy Ferengi.
41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.
> Picard has cool touch padds -- not some clickety-click buttons.
>> Sisko has a massive space station AND a super gunship -- not some
>> flimsy saucer-and-two-nacelles starship.
40. Two Words: Line Delivery.
> Two Words: Over Acting
> Two words: Rescue 911
>> Four words: A Man Called Hawk
39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes
with his toes, while Kirk slung bales of wheat and hay
in Iowa to put himself through school.
> Picard is cultured. Kirk wouldn't know a salad fork from a
> dessert fork.
>> Sisko grew up in New Orleans, which is a helluva lot tougher than
>> France and Iowa put together.
38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
> PSEB knows how Picard emphasizes the important orations.
>> Sisko uses his hands for cooking and fighting; his speech needs no
>> supplements.
37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate,
charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his
enemies. (Need we say more?)
> We know all McGyver-isms are full of crap.
>> Sisko made a bomb out of old rocks.
36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
> Kirk would have sex with *anything*.
> Picard was never put off by intelligence.
>> Picard balked for years with Beverly. Sisko has a son to raise.
35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
> Picard knows how to deal with war-mongering Cardassians, greedy
> Ferengi, and bloodthirsty Klingons -- without people dying.
>> Sisko deals with all of that on a daily basis, plus belligerent
>> Jem'Hadar and unruly Maquis.
34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
> Picard IS a Greek god. 'Nuff said.
>> Sisko destroyed a valuable wormhole to save the quadrant. Kirk
>> killed Apollo to save himself. Picard nearly destroyed humanity.
33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock
only.
> Picard knows the value of advice. Many minds are better than one.
>> Sisko can ask cool people like Garak, Dax, Odo, and Gul Dukat.
32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.
> Picard already *knows* what the doctor wants him to do! ;)
>> Sisko's doctor has his own Estrogen Brigade.
31. One Word: Fisticuffs.
> One Word: Cro-Magnon (Kirk, that is... ;)
>> Sisko can fight just as well as drugged-up Jem'Hadar!
30. Kirk's name is hated throughout the galaxy.
> Picard's name is respected throughout the universe.
>> Sisko's name is known in the Gamma Quadrant.
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.
> Kirk probably believes Shakespeare was a Klingon.
>> Sisko appreciates baseball!
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
> Some men *like* to be tied up...oh! You said "locked"... ;>
>> Sisko doesn't get locked up in the first place.
27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.
> Picard's eulogies make women swoon.
>> Sisko doesn't do eulogies. He doesn't have to.
26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for
resources.
> Picard *is* a god and doesn't need to exploit...
>> Sisko's job does not allow such leisure time.
25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.
> Picard's son would never do science using unethical methods.
>> Sisko's son can disable a Runabout, write poetry and play dom-jot.
24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
> Kirk tries to climb up any tube he can!
>> Sisko disabled the station's reactor before a meltdown. Kirk played
>> with the main deflector dish.
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
> Picard never hired an engineer with a drinking problem.
>> Sisko's engineer's accent is authentic. And he drinks coffee.
22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met
Kirk.
> Woman didn't have a word for shallow -- until they met Kirk.
>> The Bajorans didn't have an emissary -- until they met Sisko.
21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.
> Polyester and Formica don't come in that color.
>> The Defiant's bridge doesn't have a stupid railing in the way.
20. Two Words: Crane Shots.
> Two Words: Butt shots.
>> Two words: Wormhole shots
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.
> Picard is sensitive enough to realize that love of music is
> a human strength, not to be belittled.
>> With a Jem'Hadar invasion coming any day now, who has time for
>>music?
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute
things, like Tribbles.
> Cats *like* Picard.
> Kirk only beamed the tribbles away after he found out he couldn't
> have sex with them.
>> Cute things are often deadly, see "The Abandoned (DS9)"
17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really
nice.
> Picard knows he is a really nice guy -- Kirk just thinks he is
> a cultural icon.
>> Sisko is still on the air. Kirk and Picard are lost in reruns.
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
> Clearly showing that he is both LAZY and a BOY.
>> Sisko stands at attention in Ops.
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
> Picard *never* serves Romulan Ale at a diplomatic function.
>> Sisko could cater a diplomatic function.
14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to
call him "four eyes."
> Picard looks distinguished in or out of anything -- and nobody
>dares to call him baldy.
>> Sisko has hair and 20/20 vision.
13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon --
easily.
> Picard can infilitrate Romulus and Qo'Nos...easily.
>> Sisko infiltrated Cardassia Prime...twice!
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.
> Picard can get nude models easily; Kirk -- well, maybe he could
> use a mirror.
>> Sisko studies the culinary arts.
11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard
doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
> When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he sends Troi over
> to kick some butt.
>> Sisko had a Romulan work for him.
10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a Speedo swim suit on shore leave.
> Paramount knew no one would watch the show again if he did.
> There *is* a God.
>> Sisko never takes off his communicator...even on vacation.
9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting
ensign.
> StarFleet never trusted Kirk with command codes in the first
>place. Picard would never let some Irish-ballad-singing Lieutenant
> order hot fudge sundaes for the entire crew.
>> DS9 has never contracted the Psi 2000 virus. But when Lwaxana made
>> the entire crew horny, Sisko brushed it off.
8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.
> This is exactly why the Enterprise, under Kirk, spent most of its
> five-year mission either without warp drive or adrift.
>> DS9 just waits and lets the action come to it.
7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he MEANS it.
> When Picard sats "Boldly Go," all the women in the audience
> collapse in a smouldering heap of estrogen.
>> Sisko has boldly gone after the Founders, and he found them!
6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick
> Three Words: Take me now. ;->
> Three More Words: Chest-Revealing Bedwear
>> Does Sisko ever sleep?
5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
> Wanna make a bet?
> The Looooooooooove Ship is fighting for time with him...
> BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>> Dax thought of Sisko as a sexual object.
4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even
impressed.
> Neither was God.
>> Sisko met Q and punched him.
3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
> Picard's bedroom is a passion pit WITHOUT electric sheets.
>> Sisko is solely responsible for raising his son. That is his #1
>> priority.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
> Kirk's redshirts/Security Chiefs never lived long enough to grow
>one.
> Picard doesn't need a new Chief of Security every episode.
>> One word: Odo!
1. One Word: Guts.
> One Word: Guts.
>> Not only does Sisko have guts, but he's black too!
[Note:I did not write all these, so don't think I'm a freak.]
United Federation of Planets