Up Since: 1/08/96
Cool Since: 1/19/96

Like every other page in the world, this one is under construction.

Main Menu

• Star Trek Jokes/Parodies

  • Headquarters of the UFP
  • Chickens in space
  • The return of the Borg
  • Everything I need to know, I learned from watching Star Trek
  • The Organian Treaty
  • Warp Speed Chart
  • Star Trek Captains Top One Hundred
  • Top 10 lists, musical parodies, etc.
  
  
  

• Other Sites

  • SPANET
  • Aaron Engehart's Homepage
  • Geeks
  • Dilbert Cartoons

If you have any other good websites, mail me.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

| Chickens | Borg | Everything | Organian Treaty | Warp Speed | Main Menu | Jokes Menu |

The return of the Borg

or, Microsoft saves the day (sorta)

[Picard]"Mr. Laforge, have you had any luck with your attempts to find a way to defeat the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

[Geordi]"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through archives on late twentieth-century computing technology."

[Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the screen]

[Riker looks puzzled] "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

[Data truns to answer] "Allow me to explain. We will send this program some reason called 'Windows,' through the Borg command pathways. Once in their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

[Picard]"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

[Data]" Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself, known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and will not be available for their normal operational functions."

[Picard]"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geoshape' idea."

...15 minutes later...

[Data]"Captain, we have successfully installed the 'Windows' module in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

[Geordi]"Sensors have detected an increase in Borg CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

[Picard] "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

[Data]"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."

[Geordi] "Wait! Captain, I just detected that their CU capacity has fallen to 0%!"

[Picard]"Data, what do the sensors show?"

[Data]"Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up the remaining CPU capacity."

[Picard]Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their fuctionality."

...Two hours pass...

[Riker]"Geordi, What's their status?"

[Geordi]"As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage capacity demands, but each time they successfully increase resources, I have setup our closest subspace beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft Fun Pack'."

[Picard]"How much time will that buy us?"

[Data]"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time span of 6 more hours."

[Worf]"Captain, another vessel has entered this sector."

[Picard] "Indentify."

[Data] "It appears to have marking very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."

[Over the speakers] "THIS IS ADMIRAL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP 'MONOPOLY'. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."

[Data] "The alien ship has opened its forward hatches and is releasing thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

[Picard] "On screen. Magnify."

[Riker] "Captain! Thse are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship! How can they survive the tortures of deep space??"

[Data] "I do not believe those are humans, sir. If you will look closely, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather brief cases, and wearing armani suits."

[The rest of the Bridge crew, horrified] "Lawyers!!"

[Geordi] "They can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the great awakening."

[Data] "True, but obviously some have survived"

[Riker] "They have the Borh ship surrounded and are covering it with all sorts of papers."

[Data] "I believe that is known in ancient vernicular as 'Red tape'. It always proves fatal."

[Riker] "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

[Picard] "Viewer off. I can't stand to watch."

| Chickens | Borg | Everything | Organian Treaty | Warp Speed | Main Menu | Jokes Menu |

Everything I need to know,
I learned from Watching Star Trek

• Seek out new life and new civilizations
• Non-interference is the prime directive
• Keep your phaser set on stun
• Humans are highly illogical
• There is no such things as a Vulcan Death Grip
• Live long and prosper
• Having is not so pleasing as wanting; it is highly illogical, but often true
• Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations
• Tribbles hate Klingons (and Klingons hate tribbles)
• Enemies are often invisible- like Klingons they can be cloaked
• Don't put all your ranking officers in one shuttle craft
• When your logic fails, trust a hunch
• Insufficient data does not compute
• If it can't be fixed, just ask Scotty
• Even on our own world, sometimes we are alien
• When going out into the Universe, remember:"Boldly go where no one has gone before"

| Chickens |Borg| Everything | Organian Treaty | Warp Speed | Main Menu | Jokes Menu |

Historical Interlude- The Organian Treaty

The terms of the Organian Treaty between the United Federation of Planets and the Klingon Empire are as follows:

Upon discovery of a new and usable planet within the confines of the treaty zone, each party to the treaty shall have the option to voluntarily cede the world to the other for deveplopment. Failing this, both parties shall send envoys to the disputed planet, prepared to demonstrate to the indigenous population (if any) the respective parties ability to develop the world in a peaceful manner. Rights of development shall be granted to the party that best shows said ability.

Failure to abide by the terms of this agreement shall be met with physical interdiction of the party or parties in violation from the planet.

In plainer language, the terms opf the treaty are: Don't get grabby or you'll get your fingers burned.

Popular opinion in the Federation concerning the Organian treaty may be summarized as follows:

• 4% The deepest wisdow in the galaxy
• 4% Treaty? What Treaty?
• 11% Not a bad idea, glad I voted for it
• 81% Who do they think they are, anyway?

Popular opinion in the Klingon Empire concerning the treaty, while perhaps less important than in the more politically liberal Federation, may be summarized in a similar fashion:

• 4% If the emperor says it okay, it's fine with me
• 4% This is a trick question, right?
• 11% The federation made the whole thing up
• 81% Who do they think they are, anyway?

We hope that this statistical information (which, as always, is subject to a correction factor) will help you in making informed decisions about the governance and policies of the politically liberal Federation in which we all live.

[A table of correction factors used in the preperation of this survey is available for Cr. 12.50, sublight postage paid. Please specify data format and decimal, duodecimal, or binary numeration.]

| Chickens | Borg | Everything | Organian Treaty | Warp Speed | Main Menu | Jokes Menu |

Warp Speed Chart

| Chickens | Borg | Everything | Organian Treaty | Warp Speed | Main Menu | Jokes Menu |

United Federation of Planets

This page is sponsored by Mittens.

Last updated March 15, 1996